A few weeks ago, 2 prot pallies, a discipline priest, a largely terribad death knight, and my hunter walked into blackrock depths. And we failed gloriously for 5 hours.
For clarification’s sake, we had a key to sneak in through the back door.
Buffing the group, the paladins were uncoordinated as siamese twins walking while stricken with vertigo. They had no idea what they were doing with their blessings. For example, the priest got might, the pallies double-kinged themselves, and I got double-might. Nice.
Both of them were prot, yet niether of them truly tanked because of the death knight grabbing aggro because he refused to take off frost presence. By this point I will refer to him as deathtard, as it will become plainly apparent by the end of this awesome story.
In between wipes on the way to Bael’gar, deathtard kept opening trade with me, and tried to trade me all of his junk. Scraps, bolts, you name it. Every single time. I told him nicely at first, but he kept replying “oh come on why not.” It took a nice /yell to get the point across.
Half an hour later, we were still only halfway to the FIRST boss. The group kept bickering on who was going to tank. Naturally, the deathtard was the best candidate to do so, since he was the highest level, had the highest HP by a long shot, and was adamant about keeping frost presence.
But what really struck me as interesting, was that he insisted that he had a tank spec. I /inspected, and lo and behold, he certainly had an appropriate tank spec.
With this setup, Mr. “1/5 Anticipation makes me a tank” claimed he could solo bael’gar. Who was I to argue with him? During a pull, he would stop attacking so he could type out awesomeness such as “heal my minion pls” numerous times.
Once we got to Bael’gar, Mr. “I like 1 point in everything except for the one that boosts my main strikes” pulled with the healer still at less than 10% mana. The next attempt we got him down cleanly, and Lavacrest Leggings dropped. Unsurprisingly, deathtard rolled NEED on it.
“WTF” said the pallies.
“I need it” said deathtard.
“Don’t you have your starter zone leg armor? Those are better!”
“Yeah but I have a green now.”
The green was an outland green that was higher ilevel than both of them.
10 more minutes of arguing aside, we decided to continue on our trek. We made our way to a bridged section guarded by a pair of fire elementals. Deathtard the tank ran RIGHT through them without aggroing, expecting us to do the same.
“We’re too low level, we’re going to aggro them.”
“No ur not”
The group had no choice. We ran through, aggroed the mobs, and the healer died. Deathtard picked them up too late. Yummy. Past the bridge section, there was a patrolling mob.
“watch out for pat”
I facepalmed in real life.
Somehow, during the second hour of this run, we finally reached the fire elemental boss, Lord Incendius. I have no idea how it happened, but deathtard FELL into the lava. Incendius evade-bugged, and reset after being brought down to less than half health. He instantly re-engaged with our tankless group, and we miraculously killed him despite the healer running out of mana.
Deathtard on the other hand died. And for reasons beyond my comprehension, he ressed outside of the instance and was res sick coming back.
Somehow, he accepted the reasoning that he couldn’t tank while res sick, and he would accept being a dps role once he came back.
But he never did. He got lost walking back, and allegedly “died to a brute” on the way back. He made it inside blackrock mountain the next time around, and he fell into the lava and died again.
All the while, I danced on top of the anvil, afk, not expecting him to come back anytime soon. I grabbed a snack.
By the time I went back to my seat, deathtard had made it back and his res sickness had expired. However, he was not alone. He aggroed a patrolling pack of 5 on the way there, and directed them all the way to our group just in time to die and wipe the entire group with him.
Well, everyone except me. I had the awesome timing to feign death. Unsurprisingly, deathtard bitched at me for being a cheapass and not dying.
After 3 hours, and only 2 bosses killed, we decided it was time to try something new. We repaired, re-summoned. After a group effort to berate his abilities despite his mindless claims to the contrary, we finally convinced him to change to blood presence and let one of the paladins tank.
This was the perfect time for him to showcase symptoms of DEATHGRIPITIS.
By the fourth or fifth pull, and several warnings not to death grip, “GOD IM DEAD”
Healer let him die of course, because he wouldn’t learn.
Making our way backwards, we were finally at the Ring of Law event, completely by accident mind you. Since we were working backwards from the rear door, we were above the arena with the spectators. Deathtard aggroed the spectators and jumped down to the arena to start the event. The spectators aggroed the rest of us, and we had to jump down with him just to save ourselves.
The event went smoothly, save for the latter of the two bosses. If anyone ever had the horror of getting stuck in the room when the boss dies, you can see where I’m going with this.
Numerous times, I warned the melee dps to gtfo of the room where the boss spawned. All three of them ignored me, and lo and behold, the boss died, and all thre of them got stuck.
“Summon me pls” said the deathtard.
Too late of course, the backdoor mobs had already respawned. They would have to clear through the regular route. The priest who did not get trapped hearthed back, alongside the two pallies. The deathknight didn’t hearth.
“I don’t have a heartstone.”
“WTF! Did you not get a hearthstone before?”
“Well, use Death Gate then!”
“wats Death Gate”
After 15 minutes of describing where Death Gate was in the spellbook, he finally used it. We waited for him to fly back, but once again he got stuck in the lava. He died a few times, and with the ADD that he had, instead decided to quest in searing gorge for a few minutes before trying again.
I knew he was questing, because he had the Carbonite addon that announced his progress ever time he completed an objective. We were fed up, and simply kept moving forward. Without the deathtard, we managed to down most of the bosses, but got stuck at the Grim Guzzler when the healer disconnected.
The pallies and I debated whether or not to find another healer, but 3 and a half hours into the run, we were getting tired. In all honesty, we could have booted deathtard a lot sooner, but were hugely entertained by the amount of fail that he reeked.
We decided to wait for the priest to reconnect. While he never did, we waited in the meantime. Deathtard managed to come to his senses and get back to the instance, but was stuck with a bunch of respawns. He tried soloing groups at a time, but died numerous times along the way.
Combining sheer determination and a good 30 minutes of catching up, he finally made it to the guzzler while we were afk. He aggroed Phalanx and wiped us all.
It was 4 hours into the run, and we had seen enough. We dismissed the group, but that was not the end of it.
Half an hour later, I was in Stormwind mailing the hunter’s BoA gear to my rogue alt, and I got a whisper from the deathtard asking to join his group. I was still curious as to what sort of fail he was up to, so I accepted. In this group was the 58 deathtard, and a bunch of mid-60’s.
“were doing ring of blood come to nagrand”
“um, sorry I can’t.”
“because I’m still in my 50’s, and so are you.”
And he boots me from the group, and I never see him again. Up to this day, I wonder where he is, but I conclude that it is a question better left unanswered.