The first fiction post in a long while comes from an idea that came up while obsessively looking at my blog stats. Apparently someone stumbled upon this blog by googling “xzibit fanfiction.” Well, anonymous reader, because I’m ridiculously bored at work, your wish is my command. Behold my random fiction writing skills!
Rabbits and Popcorn
Xzibit sat down on a beat-up office chair in the middle of his dressing room in Burbank, California. He sighed at the boredom that normally hit him after a day of filming an episode of Pimp My Ride. Because, as everyone knows, the life of a car-pimper was always exhausting and demanding, even though he never really touched a car in any sort of maintenance context.
Either way, the washed-up rap-star remained quiet and alone in his dressing room and makeshift home office, finally breaking his stillness by turning on his macbook.
He went through the usual motions for laptop use. E-mail. Facebook. Twitter. World of Warcraft pr0n. At the end he was satisfied with wasting away another afternoon before having to get home to his fancypants mansion.
While watching some gratuitous Tauren-on-Draenei action, his kink was interrupted by an unnecessary pop-up.
FREE PLAYBOY BUNNIES! DIRECTLY DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!
His mojo still going, he couldn’t help but squee giddily at the thought of having his own Playboy bunnies living with him 24/7. It would certainly make life outside of Pimp My Ride more interesting, and more sexy for sure!
“Why the heck not, yo?” He said out loud to himself, as he clicked on the advertisement. “I’ll order fifty!”
At home, Xzibit woke up the next day in his feather-fluffed bed. The sound of his doorbell roused him from his sleep, in which he dreamed of hot babes and champaigne. Although he was a long ways from his former glory as a platinum recording artist, the lifestyle wasn’t too far off in the past. Still half-dressed in boxers and a wife-beater, he put on his purple suede robe, the kind a pimp would wear, and made his way downstairs towards the front door.
He opened it, and found several cages scattered accross his front lawn. Labelled “playboy rabbit distribution co.,” these cages contained numerous rabbits of varying sizes and fur colors.
Not the nude-magazine models that he had intended. Once again, in a fit of lusty e-passion, Xzibit found himself scammed by online ads.
“This is whack, dog!” He momentarily sighed, regretting his tastes in furry WoW-pr0n. He knew he could never escape it, but he couldn’t help but accept his addiction. He rolled his eyes as he carried a cage in each hand, and tucking another cage under each of his armpits.
The four cages were laid out over his coffee table. He felt fortunate to see the silver lining of the situation; at least he didn’t receive fifty rabbits as he supposedly applied when he was online.
Besides, he thought, they’re pretty cute yo.
He logged onto his World of Warcraft account, because I needed to make this somewhat wow-related to justify posting this on my blog. Turns out, he’s actually a Female Tauren Druid by the name of Sexzibit. How he never got banned or forced to change names, nobody really knew, but it wasn’t like his guild was aware that the player behind Sexzibit was actually Xzibit.
Sexzibit strolled around the streets of Dalaran, pondering about her avatar’s predicament. She sat down in front of the Eventide bank with a bunch of her fellow guildmates. She sighed quietly as the others ate their lunch.
[Sexzibit] says: Yo Dawgz, I have a problem yo! Watdafuk do I doz with a bunch of rabbits y’all?
[Aguildie] says: Feed them popcorn. Rabbits love popcorn!
Xzibit tilted his head back and gave an inquisitive look at his chat window. “Popcorn? Were these dawgz serious, yo?”
Either way, he was quite desperate, so he ran to his kitchen and scoured his cabinets for microwave popcorn bags. He found a lone packet of NSync-brand Dirty-Pop Corn, one that he bought on impulse after getting really high on set while shooting an episode of Pimp My Ride.
“This is going to be whack, yo!”
He placed the popcorn bag into the microwave, pressing his stubby fingers against the button interface. 2 minutes would probably do. As he watched the bag rotate around inside the little space, the microwave whirred with a hypnotic tone that evoked a sense of tiredness in Xzibit. The ding at the end snapped him out of his trance, and he was excited to feed his newfound pets.
He sprinkled random bits of popcorn into each cage, and he saw the rabbits go at it, eating the food energetically. Once the entire fill had been eaten, Xzibit felt proud of his accomplishment, having successfully taken care of pets for the first time since he was a child.
“These ‘bbits are sick, dawg!” He said, exclaiming his satisfaction.
Leaving the rabbits behind to their own devices, he logged back onto his Tauren and ran a few heroics. A Violet Hold and a Gundrak later, he returned to his coffee table to check on his pets. To his dismay, he found them lying over their backs, dead.
“Oh shiz! This is whack, yo!” He said, in utter shock. Reading the empty popcorn package, he noticed the expiration date.
Best before: May 23, 1997. It made sense, since it was N-sync brand dirty-popcorn. They’ve been dead for a good ten years now.
And sadly, so were Xzibit’s pet playboy bunnies. He was depressed to no end, and as always, he sought his guildmates for help.
[Sexzibit] says: Yo dawgs, my rabbits got ill and died, g!
[Anotherguildy] says: lol.
This time, they weren’t of much help, and Xzibit couldn’t help but break out into tears. WHY GOD WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DIE? WHY GOD WHY AM I WRITING THIS TERRIBLE BIT OF FANFICTION?
By virtue of deus ex machina, a giant ray of light burst from the nearby window, and irradiating the rabbits with an aura of life and hope. Each one of them miraculously came back to life.
“Hallelujah, dawgz!” He prolcaimed, happy to be with his rabbit friends once again.