Worst. Fail. Ever.

A few weeks ago, 2 prot pallies, a discipline priest, a largely terribad death knight, and my hunter walked into blackrock depths.  And we failed gloriously for 5 hours.

For clarification’s sake, we had a key to sneak in through the back door.

Buffing the group, the paladins were uncoordinated as siamese twins walking while stricken with vertigo.  They had no idea what they were doing with their blessings.  For example, the priest got might, the pallies double-kinged themselves, and I got double-might.  Nice.

Both of them were prot, yet niether of them truly tanked because of the death knight grabbing aggro because he refused to take off frost presence.  By this point I will refer to him as deathtard, as it will become plainly apparent by the end of this awesome story.

In between wipes on the way to Bael’gar, deathtard kept opening trade with me, and tried to trade me all of his junk.  Scraps, bolts, you name it.  Every single time.  I told him nicely at first, but he kept replying “oh come on why not.”  It took a nice /yell to get the point across.

Half an hour later, we were still only halfway to the FIRST boss.  The group kept bickering on who was going to tank.  Naturally, the deathtard was the best candidate to do so, since he was the highest level, had the highest HP by a long shot, and was adamant about keeping frost presence.

But what really struck me as interesting, was that he insisted that he had a tank spec.  I /inspected, and lo and behold, he certainly had an appropriate tank spec.

With this setup, Mr. “1/5 Anticipation makes me a tank” claimed he could solo bael’gar.  Who was I to argue with him?  During a pull, he would stop attacking so he could type out awesomeness such as “heal my minion pls” numerous times.

Once we got to Bael’gar, Mr. “I like 1 point in everything except for the one that boosts my main strikes” pulled with the healer still at less than 10% mana.  The next attempt we got him down cleanly, and Lavacrest Leggings dropped.  Unsurprisingly, deathtard rolled NEED on it.

“WTF” said the pallies.

“I need it” said deathtard.

“Don’t you have your starter zone leg armor?  Those are better!”

“Yeah but I have a green now.”

The green was an outland green that was higher ilevel than both of them.

10 more minutes of arguing aside, we decided to continue on our trek.  We made our way to a bridged section guarded by a pair of fire elementals.  Deathtard the tank ran RIGHT through them without aggroing, expecting us to do the same.

“We’re too low level, we’re going to aggro them.”

“No ur not”

The group had no choice.  We ran through, aggroed the mobs, and the healer died.  Deathtard picked them up too late.  Yummy.  Past the bridge section, there was a patrolling mob.

“watch out for pat”

“who’s that?”

I facepalmed in real life.

Somehow, during the second hour of this run, we finally reached the fire elemental boss, Lord Incendius.  I have no idea how it happened, but deathtard FELL into the lava.  Incendius evade-bugged, and reset after being brought down to less than half health.  He instantly re-engaged with our tankless group, and we miraculously killed him despite the healer running out of mana.

Deathtard on the other hand died.  And for reasons beyond my comprehension, he ressed outside of the instance and was res sick coming back.

Somehow, he accepted the reasoning that he couldn’t tank while res sick, and he would accept being a dps role once he came back.

But he never did.  He got lost walking back, and allegedly “died to a brute” on the way back.  He made it inside blackrock mountain the next time around, and he fell into the lava and died again.

All the while, I danced on top of the anvil, afk, not expecting him to come back anytime soon.  I grabbed a snack.

By the time I went back to my seat, deathtard had made it back and his res sickness had expired.  However, he was not alone.  He aggroed a patrolling pack of 5 on the way there, and directed them all the way to our group just in time to die and wipe the entire group with him.

Well, everyone except me.  I had the awesome timing to feign death.  Unsurprisingly, deathtard bitched at me for being a cheapass and not dying.

After 3 hours, and only 2 bosses killed, we decided it was time to try something new.  We repaired, re-summoned.  After a group effort to berate his abilities despite his mindless claims to the contrary, we finally convinced him to change to blood presence and let one of the paladins tank.

This was the perfect time for him to showcase symptoms of DEATHGRIPITIS.

By the fourth or fifth pull, and several warnings not to death grip, “GOD IM DEAD”

Healer let him die of course, because he wouldn’t learn.

Making our way backwards, we were finally at the Ring of Law event, completely by accident mind you. Since we were working backwards from the rear door, we were above the arena with the spectators.  Deathtard aggroed the spectators and jumped down to the arena to start the event.  The spectators aggroed the rest of us, and we had to jump down with him just to save ourselves.

The event went smoothly, save for the latter of the two bosses.  If anyone ever had the horror of getting stuck in the room when the boss dies, you can see where I’m going with this.

Numerous times, I warned the melee dps to gtfo of the room where the boss spawned.  All three of them ignored me, and lo and behold, the boss died, and all thre of them got stuck.

“Summon me pls” said the deathtard.

Too late of course, the backdoor mobs had already respawned.  They would have to clear through the regular route.  The priest who did not get trapped hearthed back, alongside the two pallies.  The deathknight didn’t hearth.

“I don’t have a heartstone.”

“WTF!  Did you not get a hearthstone before?”

“NO”

“Well, use Death Gate then!”

“wats Death Gate”

Ugh.  /facedesk.

After 15 minutes of describing where Death Gate was in the spellbook, he finally used it.  We waited for him to fly back, but once again he got stuck in the lava.  He died a few times, and with the ADD that he had, instead decided to quest in searing gorge for a few minutes before trying again.

I knew he was questing, because he had the Carbonite addon that announced his progress ever time he completed an objective.  We were fed up, and simply kept moving forward.  Without the deathtard, we managed to down most of the bosses, but got stuck at the Grim Guzzler when the healer disconnected.

The pallies and I debated whether or not to find another healer, but 3 and a half hours into the run, we were getting tired.  In all honesty, we could have booted deathtard a lot sooner, but were hugely entertained by the amount of fail that he reeked.

We decided to wait for the priest to reconnect.  While he never did, we waited in the meantime.  Deathtard managed to come to his senses and get back to the instance, but was stuck with a bunch of respawns.  He tried soloing groups at a time, but died numerous times along the way.

Combining sheer determination and a good 30 minutes of catching up, he finally made it to the guzzler while we were afk.  He aggroed Phalanx and wiped us all.

It was 4 hours into the run, and we had seen enough.  We dismissed the group, but that was not the end of it.

Half an hour later, I was in Stormwind mailing the hunter’s BoA gear to my rogue alt, and I got a whisper from the deathtard asking to join his group.  I was still curious as to what sort of fail he was up to, so I accepted.  In this group was the 58 deathtard, and a bunch of mid-60’s.

“were doing ring of blood come to nagrand”

“um, sorry I can’t.”

“y”

“because I’m still in my 50’s, and so are you.”

“o ok.”

And he boots me from the group, and I never see him again.  Up to this day, I wonder where he is, but I conclude that it is a question better left unanswered.

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37 thoughts on “Worst. Fail. Ever.

    • But you see, I’m a blogger. Fail-pugs make for awesome anecdotes and many hits to my site. The things I go through to entertain you people!

      To quote someone in my trade chat many ages ago, “a pug full of fail leads to a story full of win”

    • But if you don’t, you would run out of things to write about, right? But then again, you are the Larísa. You usually write about things way more interesting than the average failpug. And to show that I’m not kidding, I took the time to html the italics.

    • I pug a LOT. Especially so at 80, even when I’m guilded. It just so happens that I cannot run all of my toons with the guild. I have to pick and choose. The druid will run with the guild and the mage/dk will run with the pugs. Considering how often I do this, I don’t run into many fail heroics nowadays.

      Except for Oculus. We all have an Oculus story in some way or another.

    • If fish had their own talent specs, I’m sure one of them would have one as bad as the deathtard in my post. And I’m sure I would have blogged about it.

  1. That was amazingly, hilariously bad!

    But I think you also must have a pretty masochistic streak. :)

    I think I’m pretty forgiving, but I think I’d have been out about 3-1/2 hours before you. And the second invite? Not on a bet!

    • There are two commonly used terms.

      “Curiosity killed the cat.”

      Cats having “nine lives.”

      I suppose they both apply to me at the same time.

  2. Oh, that’s the best fail story I’ve read in a long time. I’m in the study lounge at my law school, silently laughing so hard that tears are running down my face while people walk by giving me funny looks.

    Don’t you hate it when you manage to evade death in an otherwise unavoidable wipe situation, and people are mad at you about it? I was in a CoS run where we wiped on Meathook (had an aggro crazy fury warrior) and I iceblocked to avoid the wipe, and when the group got back the warrior was annoyed that I had let the boss reset. Was I supposed to tank him myself?

    Congratulations, you definitely win fail-story of the week. :D

    • As a mage, I always take the coward’s way out, invisibility-ing out of every healer death possible. Yet, when I’m on my healer and I die, I cry a little inside whenever the rogue/hunter/mage in my group fails to run away successfully.

      You have the tools. You are entitled to use them.

  3. Are you sure…absolutely sure…that deathtard wasn’t just a monkey flinging poop randomly at the keyboard laughing maniacally at you through the internet while you endured his chicanery?

    Actually, the more I think about it, a poop flinging monkey probably wouldn’t even do half as bad as the mess you described. I applaud your iron will.

    • My guild on Arygos was called ‘Ironwill Mercenaries’. I think I developed that feat while I was with them.

      Much to my dismay, as I would find out later on.

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  5. ha… ha… ha…

    I have been amazingly lucky with my PuGs on my alt… but I have had a couple of fail pugs… one was in Strath on Friday night.. that was all tank illiteracy induced (as you may read today), the other was BRD, which was just… I don’t know what it was, even when we were getting boosted in the end, it was still a fail PuG…

    Not to mention one of the party members “this is all so gay” commentary…

    Still, feeling much better now Kriz, that you for putting my shitty experiences into perspective.

  6. omfg how’d he even manage to get a toon to level 55 in order to make a deathknight? And to make it out of their starting area?

    Hilarious, but I know this isn’t made up so it’s sad all at the same time.

    I think what makes it best is the way you tell it though. :)

  7. Wow. That is made of serious fail.

    What really surprises me is that he wasn’t Frost Specced. Normally idiot DKs refuse to switch out of the Presence that matches their spec so you get exchanges like:

    “Why are you tanking in Blood?”
    “lol DK tank any tree, don’t need be frost”
    “No, I mean why are you tanking in Blood *Presence*”
    “im blood”
    “But you can still use Frost Presence”
    “lol DK tank any tree, its down to *skill*”

    Or the alternative, which is “im in frost because im frost”.

  8. “largely terribad” is too generous. I’m a sucker for pain sometimes, too, and I’ll stay in a horrible PuG just to watch the fail unfold. Like a car crash.

    And I don’t have an “Occulus Story.” I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

    • PuG Oculus more. You’re bound to run into fail somehow. There’s just no escaping it.

      And yes, it’s like a car crash. Love the analogy!

    • loo, yeah, I pointed a guildie over here, and every time we’re in and instance, we still still chorus “Who’s pat?” every time one comes along.

      Now it’s mutated into “Damn pat! I hate that guy!”

  9. Krizzlybear,

    Hilarious story – makes me embarassed to say I’m a DK Frost Tank sometimes.

    Yeah, I know about the DG-itis DKs, and ones who don’t know their presences from a hole in the ground. But Death Gate? How did he get any new abilities without Death Gate?

    It does remind me slightly of another DK story, where someone in my guild was asking for DK tanking help, and referred him to me. I asked “What’s your spec?” He said, “Frost.”

    I said, “Ok, are you using 10/51/10 or something close?”

    “No.”

    “Oh, ok. What are you using?”

    “71 Frost.”

    “You mean 0/71/0?”

    “All in Frost, yes.”

    “You know that there are powers in the other trees that are considered vital for tanking right? Not every piece of the Frost tree is good for tanking… You might want to consider respeccing.”

    “Um… I want to keep my Frost tank spec as it is. Can you just tell me what gear I need to be a good tank?”

    [Me] “So… what are you running for your DPS spec? You’re going to probably need to DPS in groups until you’re able to get enough gear to tank effectively…”

    “I’m not dual-specced.”

    /facepalm

    Reminds me a little of that.

    My 2 yen,

    Akiosama

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  11. Ohh this made me lol!!!

    I was called in by a guildie to replace a dps in hc nexus recenty before they had reached the first boss. In the group was a similar deathtard with a case of death grippitis! Seriously. Telling the tank what to do all the time and then pulling with death grip before the tank had even finished marking then blaming the healer….and me for not sheeping the dragonkin!

    We ended up making the silly mistake of booting him from the group mid instance after he started ….well you know….’NOOBS!!!! I am DEAD! Rezzz Now ?!&))££;**#

    So he used his last minute in the instance before being porteled wisely and aggrod a boss and as
    much trash as he could, laughing manaically.

    Lol

    we did stick it out for a long long time.

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  14. Holy Thread Comment resurrection Batman!

    Bored at work = reading old posts in feed reader.

    This post should be up for some post award like thing…

    1) You actually stayed in the group
    b) You were the hunter in said group..and not the fail part
    iii) DK Deathgrip is a terrible thing…to waste.

  15. I know how u feel i had a “huntard” in my group one time that jumped into the ring and died cause nobody was ready then the healer decided that it would be a good idea to aggro the crowd causing him to die causing the crowd to attack me -.- and then to make it worse the group disbanded. I had never been in the instance b4 and cause the new dungeon finder sends u strait into the instance i had no idea how to get back in. So i went to find it… Later i got too far from the spirit healer and its arrow disapeared so my only option to ress was ti run to the spirit healer near org or find my corpse. I decided that running all the way to org was not a good choice so i ended up standing right on top of the grave that was on the top of a mountain i didnt know that i was 1000 feet above it cause i was sent strait inside. In the end i got help from a guildie /sigh

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